ARTS & FARCES internet

Every day I get roughly as much spam, which I define as any unsolicited bulk email, as legitimate email. It’s a problem that doesn’t have an easy solution. The proposed legislation generally misses the mark of eliminating either the unsolicited bit or the bulk bit. While the first amendment protects your speech, it doesn’t include a requirement that I subsidize it—financially or with my attention.

With that in mind, I think I may have hit on a formula that probably won’t eliminate spam, but it sure makes the parasites think twice about doing it again. And it always seems to push the indignant outrage button that all of these vermin seem to have in common. So far, the formula has worked like a choreographed dance in each instance. Here’s how it goes (please play along at home):

Each day I select 2 or 3 of the more outrageous spam messages that serve no useful purpose whatever. They’re almost always some sort of commercial scam. I do a traceroute and a whois with NeoTracePro (it’s got neat maps) to determine who they really are, where the message really originated, and who their local and upstream bandwidth providers are. Then I send the following reply to the original message—complete will all header information from the original spam—with copies to the abuse, postmaster, and hostmaster addresses at the bottom-feeder’s local and upstream provider:

Remove this and all addresses within the farces.com domain
from your distribution lists immediately. We have no
existing business relationship, nor do I wish to establish
one. I don't do business with spammers. Not now.
Not ever. You are using my resources for your gain without
my permission or compensation. Any further contact from
your domain to any address within this domain will indicate
tacit agreement to your use of our resources at our published
billing rate of US$125 per hour with a 10 hour minimum.
 
Clear enough?

Invariably I get a quick response, singularly uninspired in its lack of originality:

> From: Jim Hobuss [.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)]
> Sent: Saturday, September 01, 2001
> To: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
> Subject: RE: Save Money On Your Home Loan Today!
>
> Not really.
>
> Could you explain it again?
>
> Yeah, right!

Except this idiot, dumber than most, actually sent a second retort, this time issuing a challenge:

> From: Jim Hobuss [.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)]
> Sent: Saturday, September 01, 2001 7:43 PM
> To: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
> Subject: RE: Save Money On Your Home Loan Today!
>
>
> Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. That email you
> received was an opt-out email ... Certainly legal.
> If you want to be removed from our mailing list,
> I suggest you follow the instructions on the email.
>
> Go ahead and send me a bill… And try to collect.
>
> Clear enough?

Astute readers will recognize that I never claimed what scum like Hobuss was doing was illegal, only that I rejected his offer and counter-proposed one of my own. Of course, by responding, he’s now agreed to my terms and is billed accordingly (with copies again going to his local and upstream providers):

You received the following message on 1 Sep 2001 in reply
to your spam and yet you continue to spam this domain.
Accordingly you have accepted our terms of contract and
are being invoiced under Minnesota state statutes and the
Uniform Commercial Code. Payment in full is due
immediately. If you fail to pay in full immediately the
invoice will be rendered for collection, appropriate credit
reports will be prepared, and we will vigorously pursue
judgment in the appropriate venue(s).
 
For the record, our original offer is included below.
 
Remove this and all addresses within the farces.com domain
from your distribution lists immediately. We have no
existing business relationship, nor do I wish to establish one.
I don't do business with spammers. Not now. Not ever.
You are using my resources for your gain without my
permission or compensation. Any further contact from your
domain to any address within this domain will indicate tacit
agreement to your use of our resources at our published
billing rate of US$125 per hour with a 10 hour minimum.

Clear enough? 

In this case, Hobuss actually got two of these, differing only in invoice number. As you can imagine, this game of Invoice Ping Pong can go on for days, but it rarely does. It almost always immediately devolves into barely intelligible abuse:

> From: Jim Hobuss [.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)]
> Sent: Saturday, September 01, 2001 8:18 PM
> To: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
> Subject: RE: Save Money On Your Home Loan Today!
>
>
> Go ahead and try collect asshole.
>
> And if you even try to file one Judgement against me, I'll
> sue you and your LLC. There is no fucking tacit agreement
> here. Kiss my ass and fuck off. I've taken your name off our list.
>
> Clear enough?

Oooh, I imagine the spittle at the corners of his mouth are not very attractive. But he’s made the mistake of crossing over into clear abuse and maybe even threats, a second and more serious violation of his provider’s Acceptable Use Policy. At this point, all I have to do is reply to the message (again with copies to his—they’ve always been male so far—local and upstream providers) with yet another invoice and the following tasty bit addressed specifically to his providers:

NOTICE TO ISP AND UPSTREAM PROVIDER(S):
As you can see this has escalated to abuse on the part
of your client. Kindly take whatever action you find
necessary with regard to your AUP and notify me
directly of anything necessary on my part to expedite
the process. Suffice it to say that I expect immediate
action with regard to this matter.

Most importantly, he’s removed me from his spam list. And I’ll bet good money he’s at least thinking about the next spam missive he sends. From his next provider, of course.

Now, I probably can’t collect on all 3 invoices, but I can certainly make the parasite’s life miserable with just one. A quick trip to the county courthouse (until they get their system web-enabled) generates a court date that subsequently renders a judgment that I can easily file with the appropriate agencies. Like fish in a barrel. I’ve never done it because I haven’t had to; my intent is to stop the spamming of my domain, and it’s working. A few of these bottom-feeders have, however, paid the invoices. I deposit the checks with a grin.